Have It Your Way
A frequent topic of discussion for us on the Blanchard Coaching Services team has been around the amount of flexibility we afford to our clients when designing their coaching program. That is, to what degree do we allow them to influence our coaching delivery model to meet their needs while maintaining the integrity of the best practices that have proven to be the most effective?
Almost all of our clients have time and budget constraints that need to be considered and respected when designing a coaching solution. The goal is to balance all potentially competing factors to meet the needs of the budget, the sponsor, and the individual receiving coaching. We have learned through years of experience that when not designed and delivered properly, the client’s coaching experience will not have the level of impact we have become accustomed to.
This led me to question the appropriate time to push back and establish ourselves as the expert that can lead the client to their desired results if, and only if, they follow the tried and tested best practices. For example, let’s say I hire a certified dietician to create a healthy eating plan for me but then explained to the dietician that I was unwilling to eliminate cakes, pies, cookies, pizza, fried chicken, double cheeseburgers, and carne asada burritos from my diet. As the client, I would expect a respected dietician to tell me to save my money and come back when I’m serious. If the dietician told me they could work around my unhealthy eating habits, I would question their credibility as an “expert.” If I am serious enough about eating healthy that I am willing to spend the money on an expert in the field, I should also be disciplined enough to follow the expert’s advice. Furthermore, if I was the dietician, I wouldn’t want to jeopardize my reputation as an expert, or waste my time and my client’s time and money, when they are obviously not serious about improving themselves.
So for all you coaches out there, the next time your prospective client tells you that they only have 30 minutes to spare once every six months, what will your response be? Please share your thoughts and experiences on this subject in the comment area below.
How Do You Feel About That?
One of our best coaches did a coach development call with me today. In these sessions we have our coaches coach us and give them feedback. Coaches rarely get specific or honest feedback so they consider it a gift (it is optional and they sign up). At the end of today’s call my ‘coach’ asked me how something felt.
I had to laugh, because one of the hallmarks of my personality type (ISTP) and something I have learned quite late in life is that at any given moment I generally have no idea how or what I am feeling. I have actually learned to not act on my emotions until I can figure out what the heck they are. OK – most of the time – when my kids were little I would give myself ‘time-outs’ so I wouldn’t behave in ways that were confusing to all of us. So for me the question is not useful or relevant unless I am devoting a coaching session to understand my feelings, which is rare, as I have other forums for those conversations.
This seems to be true for most of my clients too – CEO’s, CFO’s, scientists, engineers do not respond favorably when asked how they are feeling. They are much more interested in and comfortable with a conversation about what they are thinking. If they are actually feeling something that provides them with new information they will always volunteer it. Or if I sense there is something going on with them that they haven’t quite pin- pointed that might provide some insight I’ll ask “What is going on for you right now?” It is just that asking straight out never seems to get to the desired result.
As a big fan of therapy and a veteran of the Jungian type, I hate to say it, but the popularization of “how do you feel about that?” or “how does that make you feel?” has kind of turned it into a bit of a joke that coaches can’t afford to use.
Very interested in opinions about this.
Active Listening
It came to my attention yesterday in a client meeting that not everybody has heard of active listening. Because in my business it is practically as basic as the alphabet, I forget that it isn’t common knowledge. So this blog post is for those of you who didn’t get the memo.
What is Active Listening: A way of listening that leaves the speaker feeling heard to his/her satisfaction.
Listen by:
- Paying attention to nonverbal cues, such as tone of voice or emotion
- Suspending judgment or personal beliefs and opinions
- Using engaged gestures or occasional casual phrases (I see, mmm, right, uh-huh)
- Maintaining eye contact
- Waiting until l the person appears to be finished before responding (don’t jump in just because they pause for breath, or to think).
Respond by:
- Asking clarifying questions to explore meaning and expand understanding
- Can you expand on that?
- What happened exactly?
- Paraphrasing what the person has said to acknowledge and conform what you have heard
- So what I think you said was…
- It sounds like…
- Verifying observations or intuition to ascertain underlying context
- Seems like…
- I sense there might be more…
- Sharing your own related experience – if invited – and then briefly, to demonstrate grasp of point of view or experience.
Practice with your significant other tonight!
This or Something Better
It’s back to the discussion about Angeles Arrien’s work – one last piece on it, after a hiatus for end of the decade thoughts. BUT the fourth step in the pattern of behavior found in leaders and change agents across cultures (The Four Fold Way; Angeles Arrien; Harper Collins, 1993) is extremely relevant to beginning of the year thinking.
The fourth step of the Four-fold Way is to “Be open, not attached to outcome”. How does this jibe with all of the advice we hear about setting SMART goals, setting up accountability and support and then applying fierce discipline to achieve the ends in mind?
It actually jibes pretty well in action. This is what I have observed about goal setting with clients for over 20 years. We set our goals, we make them specific, measurable, actionable, reasonable and time bound. We break down all the actions needed into big milestones and smaller action steps and then we fling ourselves at it.
And then we go, go, go. And grit our teeth and thrash around when things don’t go the way we want.
And then what happens? Well, some people describe it as God laughing. And sometimes it does feel as if a great spirit somewhere is mocking us. But what really happens is that we get information. Data. That informs us of what is real somewhere on the continuum between “STOP YOU IDIOT THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA” and “YOU WERE MADE FOR THIS; THIS IS YOUR DESTINY”.
This is what is meant by being open to outcome – you can decide what you want to create, but nothing is going to work properly if your desire is out of alignment with what God, or fate or the universe or whatever you call it has in mind for you. So you have to listen and look for signs. They are always there. Then you have to decide – is this a test to see how much I want it? Is the cost to high? Is this the right thing? (More on this later)
An old friend and colleague Cheryl Richardson had a wonderful way to stay open to outcome and signal to the ‘universe’ just how willing she was to listen. She would set her goal, and state it proudly. And then she would add: “this or something better.”
Isn’t that grand?
A Ritual for The End of the Year
Much as New Year’s Resolutions don’t work (as per last week’s post), and actually serve to make you feel terrible, they do serve an important purpose. The act of making resolutions is a ritual for ending one time period and beginning a new one.
THERE IS A BETTER WAY!
Here is another option for a ritual, and it will make you feel good. I have now been doing this exercise at the end of each year for 18 years. I love doing it because it feels like an honorable way to close out a year, recognize all of the great things that happened, appreciate myself for my accomplishments, acknowledge my own flaws and failures and mourn (hopefully for the last time) the disappointments. And then I get to envision what I want to create for myself and for others in the next year.
Here’s how it works. Schedule a ½ hour when you won’t be interrupted (laugh, but you really do need some time). Take out of piece of paper and make 3 categories:
- Accomplishments and Wins (including windfalls)
- Failures and Disappointments
- What I want to create for the next year
Then open your calendar for the last year – it may be electronic or the old fashioned paper kind; I use my to-do book because it is such an accurate representation of the way I’ve spent my time. Start with January and work your way through the year. Write it all down – the care packages you sent to hurricane victims, the fabulous contract cancelled at the last minute, small kindnesses and moments you want to forget. A new friend you are thrilled with, a client you wish you’d never met. The night you stayed up and waited for the errant teen and didn’t yell. Remember it all. The fabulous, the absurd and the excruciating.
The next part is optional, but I really love it. You can do this by yourself, or it is very nice to get your significant other to do it with you. I used to go over the list with my coach.
Wait for a quiet moment sometime between Christmas and New Years – for some this will be at midnight. Get a glass of wine, turn down the lights, sit in front of the fireplace (I love Christmas so I sit in front of the Christmas tree.) Then read through your list – take turns if you have a partner. Keep a pen with you because you will remember more as you talk it over. If you are by yourself, read out loud – no one will hear you talking to yourself. Savor your year. If it was a terrible one; wish it good riddance, if it was a grand year, wave wistfully at its tailgate.
To end the exercise, read aloud what you want to create in the next year – these are not goals, these are visions, like: I want to create a safe, relaxed atmosphere in my home, I want to create a healthy and pain free body, I want to create gleeful abundance.
Keep a copy. Look at it at the end of the year to see how you did. You might be surprised.
Wishing you a thoughtful close to 2009 and an optimistic outlook for 2010.
New Year’s Resolutions Stink
And I stopped making them until I figured out why. It’s because they are no fun. We bust our butts at the end of the year, get everything in under the wire, tuck in the year and then make a to do list that makes us want to go to bed and never get up again. Enough. At the last turn of the decade I made three resolutions:
- I don’t stand in line
- I only drink very good champagne
- I only fly Business Class
10 years later, I haven’t done too badly. I have stayed pretty focused on avoiding things I hate (lines, cheap booze headaches and being smooshed in with strangers), thereby increasing my quality of life substantially. Resolutions #1 and 3 required a long term plan involving joining every frequent flyer program known to man, replacing all of my credit cards with ones that collect airline miles and sweet talking clients into paying for my folly. And the more special the airlines deem you, the fewer lines you have to stand in. If I have to stand in line to check my coat, I keep it on. There is always another bathroom in the airport – one with no line. I conveniently grew a little long in the tooth for nightclubs. I grocery shop in the morning. I do all my postal stuff online. I have to admit in fact that the internet has been a substantial help in my line standing boycott. The economy has messed with my grand Business Class plan, but although I still stand in the occasional line and often still fly coach, I can pretty much guarantee that in 10 more years I will not be. I’m aiming high and planning big.
That’s the problem with New Year’s Resolutions people – we’re aiming way too low. We tend to go for the things we think we should want, not the things we really want.
Here is how to win at New Year’s Resolutions:
- Set a goal that will make you blissfully, stupidly happy if you get even close to it. I may not fly Business Class every time (only when the client will pay or I can upgrade with miles), but I can tell you that I appreciate every moment when I do.
- Make it a goal that doesn’t require you to work too hard, give up something you love or magically wake up with a personality transplant. This is a sure path to failure.
- Reach for something fun, indulgent, extravagant. Let it feel a little absurd – why not? Just want it with all your heart. Don’t judge your heart’s desire as being shallow and selfish – if it will make you happy you’ll be a nicer person. I don’t have the research to back up that statement, but you have to admit it sounds right.
- Set your big yummy goal – don’t limit it to a year – and then plan for it. Do something small every day or once a week. I had a client who put every five dollar bill that came to her in a can for a trip to Fiji. She was mercilessly mocked by her friends. She also played the air miles credit card game. It took a really long time, but she made it. I still have the postcard.
Here is the way to lose at New Years Resolutions:
- Resolve to do something you have already failed at several times. Change nothing about your previous approach, just state that you will have more will power this time.
- Resolve to do something that fills you with dread or terror. Or worse: boredom.
- Resolve to do something that you have no idea how to do and then don’t get any support or direction from anyone.
Really, save yourself the heartbreak and frustration. Make life fun again in 2010. If not now, when?
Who Are You Now?
I will be shelving the conversation about Angeles Arrien for now as the end of the decade hurtles at us and thoughts often turn inward at the New Year. I recently had a conversation with a client in which we were reflecting on the question that if circumstances haven’t changed, what has changed that he is so dissatisfied. Well, duh, right? He changed. Not so obvious though.
What is it with we humans that we don’t actually expect to change? In college we engage in a fair amount of navel gazing trying to figure out what to major in, then in early adult hood we are trying to find our place in the world, trying to find satisfying work, trying on potential partners for size. But then we settle in – and expect for circumstances to maybe change, we don’t expect ourselves to change. But, we do. New values emerge, new interests. We learn more about ourselves and develop. While many find comfort in predictability, others get bored. Although we expect ourselves to keep a herculean pace all the time, if there is no relief from constant stress over time, people get burnt out. Symptoms of boredom and burnout are extremely subtle: exhaustion, irritability, insomnia. You may feel depressed for no apparent reason.
Maybe you’ve changed but failed to notice it. If this resonates for you ask yourself:
• What used to give me pleasure but now feels like chore?
• What do I daydream about doing but seems too (new, outrageous, not like me, unusual, inconvenient) to even research.
• If I could wave a magic wand and never do one thing again what would it be?
• What makes me smile that never used to?
We don’t answer these questions to create an impossible list of more to do’s. What the answers can do is help you see how maybe you’ve changed, and how you might think about changing your home or work landscape to better suit the way you’ve changed. To better suit who you are now. Food for thought.
Next week: Why ‘New Years Resolutions’ are just another way to make yourself feel terrible. And don’t work.
Authenticity
One of the more interesting aspects of Tell the Truth without Blame or Judgment is ‘authenticity’. It is critical that leaders reveal themselves – some might say that it should only be in a very calculated, measured way. Others might say that it is easier to build trust when leaders let it all hang out. The jury is out for me but there are a couple of things that are really clear:
- Leaders must reveal enough of themselves that people can recognize them as fellow human beings and find something to connect with. A little vulnerability, a little sadness, pride in a child – something.
- Leaders can and should show emotion – both positive and negative – but they must also demonstrate that they have mastery over their own emotions and will not let emotion control their choices or action. Self control and the observable demonstration of self control is critical.
- Under no circumstances does it serve a leader to show contempt or derision for a follower. Or for anyone in front of anyone but the closest and most trusted.
- Leaders can respond to just about anything, but it makes most sense to choose to respond to what has heart and meaning – to explore and expand on ideas that will make an impact in the memory.
I am a fairly spontaneous person, and I love to entertain using language. I once had an employee say to me “you just say whatever comes into your head don’t you? I just love how authentic you are.” All I could wonder is ‘are you kidding?’ Because the answer is, although on the rare occasion my mouth gets ahead of my brain (ok maybe less rare than I’d like) , generally I am very careful about what I choose to say. I show just enough so that my people know what it is important to me, how I think about things, and how I make decisions. If I said everything that came into my head I would be out of a job and probably in jail. With no friends.
More on this topic next time.
Tell the Truth
I am still exploring Angeles Arrien’s work in this blog – the next step that all change agents or leaders engage in is Tell the Truth Without Blame or Judgment. Really? Is that all? Well that’s easy enough. Until it isn’t. Telling the truth requires a willingness to put oneself out there to be judged ourselves. It can also cause more trouble than it is sometimes worth. But let’s also remember that it doesn’t say tell the truth at all costs. Costs need to be weighed, and found worth paying. As. Dr. Angeles says:
“Communication that carries integrity always considered timing and context before the delivery of content. ”
Angeles Arrien; The Four-Fold Way; Harper San Francisco, 1993, pg. 83
The second piece is often overlooked – without blame or judgment. This can be the biggest challenge at all, but it harkens back to a lot of research about leadership which asserts that one of the jobs of the leader is to DEFINE REALITY as it currently stands. A certain amount of detachment and objectivity when ‘calling it as it is’ is a useful skill. It means we have to practice use of the ‘neutral’ voice, one that doesn’t carry significant emotional freight that needlessly weighs the truth down. Just truth, stated baldy as something that needs to be considered. To continue the above quote:
“Direct communication – giving voice to what we see without blame or judgment- means we must consider the alignment of appropriate word choice, tone of voice and body posture.”
And here is another rub. I don’t know about you, but I am a little skittish about designating myself as the one with enough information, intelligence, authority – and goodness only knows how long this list might actually be but you get the idea – to tell the Truth with a capital ‘T’. Because who knows what the truth is, my reality is so radically different from your reality that I feel competent, just, to ‘test’ for what might be ‘true’ for you, or the group, right now. I find that trying several different potential truths at any given moment can work better. Unless the truth is staring you in the face and there is no equivocating. But whether it is raining or not is rarely a source of conflict or confusion.
Ask yourself:
- Am I saying everything that needs to be said?
- If not , what is keeping from doing it?
- How can I do so appropriately?
Heart and Meaning
In the last post, I talked about Paying Attention and drew attention once again to Angeles Arrien’s work. She talks about Paying Attention to what has heart and meaning. So first we simply have to pay attention. Period. But what does it mean to pay attention to what has heart and meaning? From a leadership standpoint it means to that first we have to understand what has heart and meaning for ourselves, and then we have to listen for and understand the same for others.
I love what she says about heart: “Where we are not strong- hearted is where we lack the courage to be authentic or to say what is true for us. Strong heartedness is where we have the courage to be all of who we are in life. The word ‘courage’ is derived from the French word for the heart, Coeur, and the etymologically it mean ‘the ability to stand by ones heart, or to stand by one’s core.”
Angeles Arrien; The Four-Fold Way; Harper San Francisco, 1993 pg. 51
So the questions this prompts are:
• Do you know what is true for you? Do you know what is true for the person you are talking to?
• What are you willing to stand by? What are others willing to stand by?
• Are you paying attention to what has meaning, that is not being said?
• Are you saying all that needs to be said at any given moment?
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