Going Beyond “Why”
What is your first response when someone asks, “Why did you do (or not do) ________________?
Do you defend your actions or pull away from the person? Most of us do.
When I have asked a why question, many times the response has come from a defensive perspective. For example, I asked my son why his math assignment was not completed. His immediate response was a scowl and defensive attitude as he stated he was working on his science homework. My son’s demeanor changed due to the “why” question I asked him. As a coach, I immediately realized I should have asked a more appropriate question that encouraged open communication such as “What caused you not to have your math assignment completed by now?” By eliminating “why” in the question, my son would not have perceived me as being judgmental and would have openly shared his reasons for his science homework taking so long, which caused a delay in his math homework. As a result, the lines of communication would have been open for additional understanding, problem-solving, and future actions.
I recently attended an ICF chapter meeting and the speaker presented on powerful questions. The speaker emphasized the impact of “why” questions. As I learned in coaching school and through personal experiences, the speaker reinforced that “why” questions come from judgment, promote defensiveness, create separation, and focus on explaining rationale. “Why” questions simply do not contribute to effective conversations.
Effective communication leads to growth, progress, and partnerships. Reframing “why” questions into “what,” “how,” or “when” questions leads to open and productive communication. It is important to be aware of the impact of “why” questions, which can move a conversation backward creating separation.
Pay attention how often you start with a “why” question and the impact it makes.
What’s Your Fear?
Recently, I was in a conversation with a highly-skilled coach about potential coaching topics for an upcoming conference. One topic the coach suggested was around fear.
Since my conversation with the coach, I have been thinking about the word fear.
How has fear held me back? What behaviors am I exhibiting due to fear?
As a coach, I recognized there were times that fear prevented me from truly serving my clients. I played it safe in asking questions, making challenging requests, and incorporating direct communication. My fear was being less than perfect and disappointing my clients. I placed limitations on myself and also on my clients. I allowed fear to stand in the way of being a highly impactful coach that leads clients to deeper discovery and action. I questioned, what was the missed potential?
Everyone has fears: Fear of failing, Fear of success, Fear of not being the best, Fear of death.
Individuals respond to fear in different ways consciously or unconsciously. It may be subtle or aggressive. As a result, individuals’ actions and behaviors are unproductive, limiting, and/or costly to themselves and others.
What are your fears? What opportunities are you losing by not facing your fears and moving beyond them?
“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” ~Brendan Francis
Confidence Unleashed!
To watch someone who has gained confidence in his or her abilities perform is a beautiful thing!
I have watched my son struggle with confidence in his basketball abilities over the past two years. This season my son is playing basketball with great confidence. He finally believes in himself and it shows on the court. As his mother, some of his moves have shocked me, and I have questioned, “Is that my son?!”
So, what finally snapped inside my son for him to become fully confident in his basketball abilities? What causes any individual, regardless of age, to become confident?
For my son, I watched the change come as a result of repeated praising and reassurance he received from his peers and authority figures, from seeing his teammates succeed, and from being challenged. Coaches and parents believed in him before he believed in himself. It took time before he truly could see it.
As a coach, what it took for my son to step into his confidence is very similar to what takes place in coaching sessions with clients. Some clients begin with self-doubt about their abilities. By creating a safe and trusting environment, clients can be encouraged through praisings, role play, and overcoming challenges that build their confidence. Clients who are confident change behaviors and move toward their goals, which increase their effectiveness and personal satisfaction. Almost everyone needs a champion at some point to boost his or her confidence and accomplish a leap to a new level of performance.
Do you have the champion you need right now?
How Determined Are You Really?
Coaches assist clients in identifying personal and professional goals. Once goals are identified, coaches help clients realize their level of determination in accomplishing them.
Here is where the “rubber meets the road!”
Clients must decide what they are willing to say “no” to in order to say “yes” to moving toward their goals. What are they willing to sacrifice?
My coach helped me in clarifying how determined I was in pursuing a Masters in Business Administration, while working full-time and being a mother and wife. Through thought-provoking questions, I realized how important it was to earn a MBA. It was truly a personal goal. My coach helped me realize the impact of accomplishing this goal as well as not pursuing a MBA. I accepted the sacrifices I needed to make (working late hours, being overly tired, weekends dedicated to school work, etc.) in order to increase my self-satisfaction. I was determined! As a result, I have accomplished my goal!
A coach will help clients clarify goals, identify sacrifices, and reveal their level of determination in achieving goals. Clients will become aware of what is truly fueling their determination, such as self-satisfaction, money, status, team performance, etc.
As a coach, my questions to you are “How determined are you in achieving your goals and what sacrifices are you willing to make?”
Assessments Lead to Purposeful Actions
I recently heard a certified coach give a presentation on communication and the use of personality assessments. The assessment the presenter had the audience complete was the Personal Coaching Styles Inventory (PCSI). The PCSI identifies four natural personality styles. It is used to help individuals effectively communicate with others.
There are variations of leadership, personality, and behavioral assessments that are used by professional coaches. For example, DISC Profile, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Leadership Action Profile, and Entrepreneurial Strengths Assessment. These assessments are used to gather information about clients and broaden their perspectives.
The purpose of an assessment is to help individuals identify their strengths, dominating personality, natural behaviors, and values. The results can be obvious, surprising, or disturbing. Regardless of the results, individuals gain awareness and information of themselves that can lead to purposeful actions.
Once a client has received an assessment report, a coach will ask two basic questions: “What have you learned from the report?” and “What do you want to do with the information?”
The coach’s role is to coach the client on what he/she learned that could lead to the awareness of specific behaviors, motivators, and feelings. For example, a client’s report indicates the client is highly directive. The coach asks the client “What is the impact of your highly directive style?” and/or “How do you see yourself interacting with others?” These questions cause the client to self-reflect on one’s own motives and behaviors. As a result, the client decides if specific behaviors need to change. If a change is necessary, the coach assists in identifying an action plan.
Assessments are valuable tools to increase awareness and broaden one’s perspective. In a coaching relationship, assessments provide the client and the coach with a wealth of information that can lead to self-awareness, growth, action, and opportunities. Assessments can also validate a client’s successful behaviors, which require no action or a need to change.
Perceptions – Window of Opportunity
Do you know how others perceive you as a leader? Knowing how others perceive you is valuable information. Perceptions lead to awareness, which opens the window of opportunity.
As people interact with each other, perceptions are quickly formed. They are formed based on:
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observed behaviors,
- direct or indirect involvement, and
- one’s own frame of reference.
Although perceptions may or may not be accurate, future interactions are based on formed perceptions. For example, a direct report has a perception of his leader as uncaring and focused only on bottomline results. This perception was formed from the leader’s demanding behaviors and insensitive interactions in the past. As a result, the direct report is hesitant to ask for help, share information, and engage regularly with his leader. Perceptions could limit the personal and professional growth of relationships. As the slogan goes, “Perception is reality.”
A Leader must be aware that others will definitely formulate their own perceptions based on small samples of the leader’s behaviors and other variables. By being aware of team members and peers’ perceptions at all times, a leader can gain insight and awareness of his or her effectiveness. This valuable information provides an opportunity for the leader to adjust behaviors and open lines of communication.
I have coached several clients on topics that relate to how they are perceived by others: team members, managers, and peers. When clients’ perceptions of themselves are different from how others’ perceive them, first, clients are enlightened with the information, and second, they determine how to react to the information. Clients reflect on their behaviors and effectiveness through the coaching process. By answering thought-provoking questions, clients uncover what is driving their effective or ineffective behaviors. For example, a client realizes she is quick to give a solution or direction to direct reports and does not ask for their thoughts and feedback. As a result, she is causing her direct reports to be dependent on her and not encouraging collaboration in finding solutions. Being aware of others’ perceptions allow clients to adjust their behaviors and incorporate specific strategies to increase their effectiveness and contribute to creating accurate perceptions.
As individuals and human beings, perceptions will be formed! The question is how do you want to influence others’ perceptions?
Passion – Do you have it?
In order to succeed in your role as a leader, or in any position, you must have passion. Passion is the compelling emotion that contributes to providing excellence, overcoming obstacles, going beyond the “call of duty”, and genuinely caring about your role. There is an enthusiastic and concentrated drive toward achievement. Passion is tied to values and performance.
During a coaching call, my client uncovered an aspect of her role that did not align with her personal values. As a result, the client was not passionate in her assignment. She had become disinterested and de-motivated and recognized this led to unproductive behaviors. This awareness led the client to discover the link between passion and values. The client took control of identifying alternative approaches and behaviors that supported her values. By doing so, I could hear her interest and her motivation coming back. The passion had returned!
A leader with passion is tied to his or her values and will emanate enthusiasm and determination. He or she will display high energy and the ability to motivate others to achieve individual and company goals. When obstacles are encountered, a leader will remain focused in finding solutions and engaging others. Passion breeds teamwork, positive energy, and achievement – Success!
As a leader, is your passion tied to your behaviors, values, and performance?
The Courage to Lead!
As a leader, do you truly have the courage to take responsibility? Do you have the courage to change behaviors to be effective?
During many coaching sessions, clients discuss their challenges and responsibilities as leaders. Some are quick to recognize their ineffective behaviors and others focus on ineffective behaviors of their employees. Courage begins with leaders being willing to be self-reflective to identify behaviors that are productive and unproductive. The next step is taking responsibility of these behaviors and having the courage to make necessary changes.
Courage is letting go of the known of the comfort zone or status quo, asking difficult questions, responding honestly, and attempting a change. It may be honoring scheduled times with direct reports, delegating, listening, and allowing employees to find solutions. It is having the courage to step out of your comfort zone to effectively lead and inspire others.
I coached a client who was hesitant about scheduling one-on-one meetings twice a month with each direct report. The client felt since daily impromptu check-ins were taking place, regularly scheduled one-on-ones were unnecessary. Through further discussion with the client, the client agreed to schedule one-on-one meetings over the next two weeks. During our next coaching call, the client shared how valuable the one-on-ones were for her as the manager and the direct reports. The 2-way discussions were personable, direct reports shared their specific progress and challenges, and the client/manager was able to truly begin to partner with each of the direct reports.
The power of courage can truly be transformational!
“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” – John Quincy Adams
Best Boss Secret Sauce: The One-on-One
Want to connect and begin to partner with your employees? One-on-ones are a forum for this to happen!
It is amazing to me how many managers do not have regularly scheduled one-on-ones with their employees or treat one-on-ones as a time to do all the talking and directing. As a coach, when my clients implement well-conducted one-on-ones, they always provide a dramatic improvement in performance and attitude. One-on-ones can bring employees and managers closer together if done appropriately. Managers truly understand employees’ development levels and are able to match the appropriate leadership styles. Also, managers learn their employees’ natural strengthens and what motivates them. The discussions become richer, lead to early problem-solving, and build trust.
A one-on-one is a short meeting between the manager and employee to stay in touch with the employee’s performance and development. It provides a structure for opening up the lines of communication. The manager and employee discuss work tasks and share personal information that leads to a deeper learning about each other.
The one-on-one is usually for 30 minutes occurring every other week. One great aspect of the one-on-one is the employee sets and leads the agenda. The employee walks into a one-on-one knowing he/she has the manager’s undivided attention to share progress on tasks and to ask questions. The manager’s role is to listen, answer questions, and provide additional information the employee needs to accomplish tasks. The one-on-one is employee driven, not manager driven!
When I was a manager, one-on-ones allowed me to build trusting relationships with each of my direct reports. I knew their strengths and desires, which allowed me to assign projects based on this knowledge. There were times that a one-on-one lasted 15 minutes or 60 minutes. Sometimes conversations were non-work related and just allowed for re-connecting. Once we went through the employee’s agenda, I would ask permission to speak about a few additional items. Employee’s agenda was always first!
So, if you are not having regularly scheduled one-on-ones, what are you losing?
Listen to Learn – Harder Than You Think
The skill of listening seems simple and is believed to develop naturally. But how many individuals truly listen to learn and understand before giving their thoughts and suggestions? They are few and far between.
There have been many instances when I felt unheard and misunderstood. For example, a co-worker I was speaking with interrupted me to comment on the topic before they had clear understanding. I was frustrated and said, “You didn’t let me finish and you are not understanding me!” And usually at this point, I just want to walk away. Hasn’t this happened to you?
I hate to admit I’ve been at fault for not fully listening. This usually happens when I am under a deadline, sitting in front of the computer with emails catching my eye, or trying to formulate my own comments to respond.
Listening is a top skill for coaches. It is a discipline that coaches must cultivate with their clients. Coaches listen to every spoken word, unspoken word, and nuances in the conversation. As a result, clients feel heard and increase their interactions with their coaches. An environment is created that fosters trust, sharing of ideas, and an openness to explore a variety of perspectives and solutions.
My client recognized the benefits of fine-tuning his listening skills with his direct reports. By doing so, he will increase the effectiveness of his conversations by intently listening, being curious, and asking questions before giving advice/solutions. He is committed to the behavior change to have a greater impact as a manager.
Listening skills are needed in every profession and in daily interactions with others. By listening intently in personal and professional conversations, there will be a greater positive effect on the outcome and on each person.
If you feel you could be a better listener, ask yourself first: What gets in my way of listening intently and being curious? Second, what am I losing by not changing how I listen?
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