Habits Make All the Difference
The promise was books that rocked my coaching practice that are off the beaten path. OK, so maybe this one isn’t that original, and I must have stumbled on The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey in Barnes and Noble because I can’t remember who recommended it. But I have to say that from the day I read this book, I changed some habits that utterly altered the trajectory of my life. I don’t think it is a coincidence that when I started doing what Covey said (and let’s be clear, not everything, just a few things made a huge difference) my business took off, my household became more orderly and calm and my quality of life shot up. I developed a reputation for being freakishly productive. I feel that almost every other “self-help” book that came after this one simply fleshed out some of the good ideas that were here in the first place.
In the section called Put First Things First, the 4 box quadrant probably made the biggest impact on me. The idea is that we all can put every single thing we do into one of the four quadrants.
| Urgent | Not Urgent | |
| Important | QUADRANT I crises, pressing problems, deadline-driven projects |
QUADRANT II prevention, Principle Centered activities, relationship building, recognizing and leveraging new opportunities, planning the future, recreation |
| Not important | QUADRANT III interruptions, some calls, some mail, some reports, some meetings, popular activities |
QUADRANT IV trivia, busy work, some mail, some phone calls time wasters, pleasant activities |
The ones who spend the bulk of their time doing things in the “important” quadrants are simply going to have a much higher life satisfaction quotient. This very concrete model gave me the courage to say no to things that did not fall into the Quadrants I or II. Today, I let people assume I am extremely busy (everybody does) and if pressed I will admit that I am no busier than anyone else, just extremely focused on what is most important to me and ferociously choosy about what I focus on. Don’t tell anyone.
Unexpected Inspiration
In my mentoring of coaches and coaching practitioners in organizations I am often asked what my influences have been, so I thought it would be fun to do a short series about the books that have rocked my world as a coach. Not the obvious ones, the books that are not necessarily on the beaten paths and the coaching school reading lists. Over the next few weeks I will share some of my favorite books with a short review of their key messages.
To get us off to a brilliant start for 2012, I will tell you a little about The Four Fold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary by Angeles Arrien. Arrien is an anthropologist who travelled and lived among indigenous peoples and studied change agents – all of whom draw on the power and wisdom of the 4 archetypes in the title. What she found was that no matter what their culture – peace loving or warlike, maternal vs. patriarchal, agrarian or nomadic – all of the effective leaders follow roughly the same four principles which comprise the Four Fold Way.
- Show up and choose to be present (Warrior)
- Pay attention to what has heart and meaning (Healer)
- Tell the truth without blame or judgment (Visionary)
- Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome (Teacher)
I have been using these principles personally as a self leader, and experimenting with them with clients for over 15 years. They have proved to have astonishing staying power and have supported those who wish to build personal power, be more effective with groups, and increase their coaching skill. Most fine leaders are not as well rounded as they might be, and find very little inspiration in competency models to articulate their gaps and create a real plan to close them. This model provides another angle and I have found that the principles work regardless of religious conviction or cultural background.
Have Some Fun in 2012
I posted this in 2009 and guess what? I am still having more fun than most people I know. So cheers to all of us.
At the last turn of the decade I made three resolutions:
1. I don’t stand in line
2. I only drink very good champagne
3. I only fly Business Class
12 years later, I haven’t done too badly. I have stayed pretty focused on avoiding things I hate (lines, cheap booze headaches and being smooshed in with strangers), thereby increasing my quality of life substantially. Resolutions #1 and 3 required a long term plan involving joining every frequent flyer program known to man, replacing all of my credit cards with ones that collect airline miles and sweet talking clients into paying for my folly. And the more special the airlines deem you, the fewer lines you have to stand in. If I have to stand in line to check my coat, I keep it on. There is always another bathroom in the airport – one with no line. I conveniently grew a little long in the tooth for nightclubs. I grocery shop in the morning. I do all my postal stuff online. I have to admit in fact that the internet has been a substantial help in my line standing boycott. The economy has messed with my grand Business Class plan, but although I still stand in the occasional line and often still fly coach, I can pretty much guarantee that in 10 more years I will not be. That’s the problem with New Year’s Resolutions – we’re aiming way too low. We tend to go for the things we think we should want, not the things we really want. Here is the way to win at New Year’s Resolutions: 1. Set a goal that will make you blissfully, stupidly happy if you get even close to it. I may not fly Business Class every time (only when the client will pay or I can upgrade with miles), but I can tell you that I appreciate every moment when I do. 2. Make it a goal that doesn’t require you to work too hard, give up something you love or magically wake up with a personality transplant. This is a sure path to failure. 3. Reach for something fun, indulgent, extravagant. Let it feel a little absurd – why not? Just want it with all you heart. Don’t judge your heart’s desire as being shallow and selfish – if it will make you happy you’ll be a nicer person. I don’t have the research to back up that statement, but you have to admit it sounds right. 4. Set your big yummy goal – don’t limit it to a year – and then plan for it. Do something small every day or once a week. I had a client who put every five dollar bill that came to her in a can for her a trip to Fiji. She was mercilessly mocked by her friends. She also played the air miles credit card game. It took a really long time, but she made it. I still have the postcard. Here is the way to lose at New Years Resolutions: 1. Resolve to do something you have already failed at several times. Change nothing about your previous approach, just state that you will have more will power this time. 2. Resolve to do something that fills you with dread or terror. Or worse: boredom. 3. Resolve to do something that you have no idea how to do and then don’t get any support or direction from anyone.
Make life fun again in 2012 – really, why not?
Stop Adding Value
I was talking with a Blanchard Coach the other day about the topic of recognition. One leader she’s working with had noticed that although there were “formal” recognition programs in his company, he believed there was a need for informal, just-in-time recognition. I reminded the coach that Ken Blanchard calls that catching people doing things right.
As we continued on the topic, she told me how this leader wants to be very encouraging of other people in his company—and often joins team meetings to hear about the latest ideas, projects, and plans. In his enthusiasm to endorse the thinkers, he always adds value.
What happens when he “improves” on a decision? She’s going to ask him…but I’d say it’s a safe guess that when this leader speaks, others stop speaking. It’s pretty hard to disagree with the boss—especially when he’s not been part of the creative process.
This leader has a great idea—to recognize and endorse the good work of others. I’m glad he’s working with a coach to support him in this plan, because even the best of intentions can sometimes have the opposite impact! Rather than add his comments, the true value he could add in these meetings would be to really listen. Through listening, he could coax and encourage the ideas of others in these meetings. From his encouragement, better decisions can be added by members of the team.
By first stopping his own reflex to fix or improve, he will certainly then be able to catch people doing things right!
The Ethics Check
Given what is going on in politics, on (and off) Wall Street, and certainly at a once-revered college campus, I thought right now was a good time to pull out the Ethics Check. When Ken Blanchard and Norman Vincent Peale wrote The Power of Ethical Management in 1988, they eloquently stated that “the most difficult aspect of being ethical is doing what is right, not deciding what is right.”
Their model incorporates three questions:
- Is it legal?
Will I be violating either civil law or company policy? - Is it balanced?
Is it fair to all concerned in the short-term as well as the long-term?
Does it promote win-win relationships? - How will I feel about myself?
Will it make me proud? Would I feel good if my decision was published in the newspaper? Would I feel good if my family knew about it?
Easy steps to follow, right? Unfortunately, I have observed that a preoccupation on a short-term “solution” is regularly what drives a leader’s decision. IF the issue is “tricky,” legal considerations might also be applied, for self-protection, of course. But sadly, a thorough consideration of the ethical behavior necessary from the responsible leader is often truncated from the decision process.
Ken and his co-authors are renowned for taking difficult topics and simplifying them. However “simple” the Ethics Check may seem, each of the three steps outlined above is necessary to follow. There are no short cuts in ethical behavior!
What Neuroscience Can Teach Leaders 2
Attention: What You Pay Attention to Matters
1. You can choose what happens in your head when you are not thinking about anything in particular by choosing to be mindful instead of simply letting your mind wander in what is known as the “default network”. Mindfullness is defined as:
a) Self regulating attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment
b) Adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance (Bishop et al).
By practicing mindfulness you can choose to pay attention to sensory information coming in. What you pay attention to is what you are conscious of (Rock)(Berman).
2. What you choose to pay attention to can dictate the quality of your mood, your quality of life and the quality of life of people around you. Pay attention to the past and you will end up ruminating uselessly, whereas when you stay focused on the present, you get useful information about what is going on with your own thoughts and feelings (Tang et al) (Hassed).
3. One of your key jobs as a leader is to continually remind your people of what to pay attention to (Hassed).
Image by Carlos Porto
Creme brulee and leadership point of view
I am a foodie. I avidly watch the “The Next Food Network Star”, not only for the amazing food each chef makes, but to watch the growth and development each contestant achieves over time. One of the things that make the final four contestants successful is the ability to articulate their point of view. In this case, the POV is about who they are, what food they cook and why. Being a leader is similar to being a contestant. A leader must know who they are, and what they stand for in order to get others to follow.
At Blanchard, we know that a leadership point of view can be developed. All the ingredients are already present in each of us. We just need to sift, mix, and blend those elements together. Ask yourself “Who inspires me? What are my core values? What do I believe? “ Do the work to think through the recipe that is uniquely YOU, and like the Sandwich King (my personal favorite) or the spicy Mexican chef (another contender), you will discover that the more you know yourself, and are true to yourself, the clearer will be your leadership point of view.
My LPOV is like Creme Brulee – simple ingredients transformed into something satisfying and elegant. What ingredients are in your point of view and what masterpiece will you create?
Make a PACT
Remember the One Minute Manager? Well, as his reputation grew for being so effective, so did the demands on his time. He was beset with requests for more speaking, for more leading, for more dinner appearances. Between his relentless travel schedule and the growth of his company, he found that his waist was growing, too. Success was really taking a toll on his health and sense of well being! How’s that for irony?
Twenty five years ago Ken and Margie Blanchard, along with DW Edington, helped the One Minute Manager “get fit” in a publication now entitled “The One Minute Manager Balances Work and Life.” Certainly the book is filled with great suggestions for assessing and improving physical health and fitness. But the authors go beyond the physical, and have tucked into the book a real coaching gem: the PACT model.
When feeling out of balance, it is helpful to evaluate what is really important. When you re-commit yourself to what really matters, you can return to equilibrium more efficiently. That was what the One Minute Manager needed…not “just” to lose weight, nor to learn to endure more stress. He needed to see what would be BEST for him, and to keep those factors in mind and in practice.
What constitutes “best?” Well, after assessing the responses from 300 interviewees regarding the factors which contribute to a “best time in life” experience, Margie Blanchard noted four themes: Perspective, Autonomy, Connectedness, and Tone. In an acronym: PACT.
- Perspective helps you appreciate what’s important and what’s not important in your life. Your perspective is informed by your mission, or purpose, or vision—can you name yours? What is your sense of spirituality? What do you stand for?
- Autonomy helps you determine how much control you have in your life. Are you exercising your choices and options? Are you honing your skills? Is your schedule running you, or have you a sense of “time mastery?” What is your identity, apart from your titles at work or in your family?
- Connectedness helps you determine where your support reserves are. Do you have quality relationships? Do you engage in activities with like-minded folks? Do you have friends in your workplace? In your neighborhood?
- Tone is about your physical health. One dozen questions are listed in the book, including: Are you within 5 pounds of your ideal weight? Do you get 6 to 8 hours of sleep each night? Engage in aerobic and strength-training exercises? Drink fewer than 7 alcoholic drinks per week? Do you eat breakfast?
As you consider the PACT model to support your best, begin with tone, because it is the easiest of the four to assess, quantify, and then measure your changes in behavior. Additionally, you can attend to the other themes as you improve your tone. For example: expand your connectedness by joining a weight loss group. Increase your sense of autonomy by choosing to get up early 3x a week and run. And when you arise, quietly welcome the day so as to expand your perspective.
The benefit of the structure of the PACT model is that it helps individuals get through hard times, and enjoy good times, with greater ease. Is it time to understand and practice your PACT?
Order is the beginning of beauty
Transitions, transitions. I love summertime, and today is a beautiful “first day of summer” here in North America. However, saying hello to summer means saying goodbye to school schedules. I’m sure my teenager doesn’t find it difficult, but this working parent does! That which is predictable from September until June will end this week. Starting next week, we’ll have unscheduled time, sport camps, vacations and projects, big and small. The rhythm of activity will differ from week to week, and from day to day.
As luxurious as all the summer plans appear, I admit I feel distress. After a good deal of thought, I realize that it is the “gear change” that has me caught up—how apt! Shifting from one mode to the other, the literal and figurative shift, is what can seize me. This is despite that fact that I succeed in the school schedule of our family life, and I succeed in the summer schedule, too. It is saying goodbye to one, and hello to the other, that is the challenge.
I don’t think I’m alone.
Therefore, I offer you the wise words of my favorite High School teacher, Mr. Carlton McCauley. Mr. McCauley loved teaching, loved his students, loved his wife, loved his life. He challenged and supported us in class and out of the classroom, too. I benefited from his friendship for decades after high school, and still miss him, years after his death. Fortunately, his avuncular wisdom continues in a “Mr. Mac” soundtrack in my head. One of his favorite sayings was “Order is the beginning of beauty. Let us begin with ourselves.” I “heard” that aphorism as I tried to understand the distress I was sensing as the public school year ends.
What order can I enact that will allow for a satisfying summer? What do I need to schedule? What do I need regarding my son’s sport activities, be it equipment or transportation? What household chores can be given to my collegian now that she’s home on break? What summer fun can I be sure we have to look forward to? How will I shift the order of my work day to accommodate pleasant summer activities? What else can I shift into a more pleasing order?
Although Mr. McCauley was an English teacher, you’ll note that I’m not pulling out Invictus with Henley’s full throttle “I am the captain of my soul” declaration. This is quieter. The power of Mac’s “order is the beginning of beauty” mandate is that it is two-fold: “let us begin with ourselves.” Summer will not run rough shot over this working mom, her focus begins with herself. Knowing that I am putting things in order to maximize the enjoyment of summertime is responsible behavior, and it feels good. I won’t become derailed in this shift, and neither will the family.
How does “order is the beginning of beauty, let us begin with ourselves” resonate in you?
All Is Well
One and a half years ago, I was completing a coaching engagement with a dynamic leader. As with all my “wrap sessions,” I asked the leader to reflect on her learnings and to tell me what she will commit to for her future actions. Her eloquent response sent me on a quest which I only completed this weekend.
Concurrent with her professional goals of successfully developing her work team and attaining all project deliverables, she spoke about a personal goal: resuming singing. She’d stopped singing after coming to the US from India. I had suggested that if she allowed room for her gift, she would notice and benefit from the gifts of others. At our final call, she said that was so true: she had found a teacher of traditional Indian music, and was radiant because she’d found her voice again. And, because of this, she saw with greater clarity the gifts of communication the members of her team possessed. She instilled an expectation that they all “catch people doing things right,” and it accelerated the development of high-performance qualities within the team.
She then told me how transformational this “coach approach” is, and insisted that I see the movie The Three Idiots. She told me that the movie was set in an elite engineering college, rife with competition and anxiety, bred into the students by their parents since birth. However, the protagonist, Rancho, was impervious to the stress suffered by his peers. Instead of chasing something as elusive as success, Rancho LOVED learning. He had a mantra, “all is well,” which he explained kept him calm and focused in the present. He challenged his classmates that they were all too worried about the future, and their fears of failure were robbing them of the joy of the present.
My client told me she kept thinking about what she learned from coaching while she watched the movie. Rather than chasing success, Rancho would tell his friends “pursue excellence, and success will follow.” Through coaching, my client knows this to be true.
Well, I’ve been searching for this movie since that final conversation. I fell over myself when I found it Saturday on the rack at my DVD store (yes, I still go to a DVD store!). It was everything my client told me…and more. Find the flick, carve out at least three hours (Bollywood doesn’t produce short movies) and prepare to laugh, cry, sigh, sing, dance and think.
As the three idiots sing: “Aal izz well!”
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