A Ritual for The End of the Year
Much as New Year’s Resolutions don’t work (as per last week’s post), and actually serve to make you feel terrible, they do serve an important purpose. The act of making resolutions is a ritual for ending one time period and beginning a new one.
THERE IS A BETTER WAY!
Here is another option for a ritual, and it will make you feel good. I have now been doing this exercise at the end of each year for 18 years. I love doing it because it feels like an honorable way to close out a year, recognize all of the great things that happened, appreciate myself for my accomplishments, acknowledge my own flaws and failures and mourn (hopefully for the last time) the disappointments. And then I get to envision what I want to create for myself and for others in the next year.
Here’s how it works. Schedule a ½ hour when you won’t be interrupted (laugh, but you really do need some time). Take out of piece of paper and make 3 categories:
- Accomplishments and Wins (including windfalls)
- Failures and Disappointments
- What I want to create for the next year
Then open your calendar for the last year – it may be electronic or the old fashioned paper kind; I use my to-do book because it is such an accurate representation of the way I’ve spent my time. Start with January and work your way through the year. Write it all down – the care packages you sent to hurricane victims, the fabulous contract cancelled at the last minute, small kindnesses and moments you want to forget. A new friend you are thrilled with, a client you wish you’d never met. The night you stayed up and waited for the errant teen and didn’t yell. Remember it all. The fabulous, the absurd and the excruciating.
The next part is optional, but I really love it. You can do this by yourself, or it is very nice to get your significant other to do it with you. I used to go over the list with my coach.
Wait for a quiet moment sometime between Christmas and New Years – for some this will be at midnight. Get a glass of wine, turn down the lights, sit in front of the fireplace (I love Christmas so I sit in front of the Christmas tree.) Then read through your list – take turns if you have a partner. Keep a pen with you because you will remember more as you talk it over. If you are by yourself, read out loud – no one will hear you talking to yourself. Savor your year. If it was a terrible one; wish it good riddance, if it was a grand year, wave wistfully at its tailgate.
To end the exercise, read aloud what you want to create in the next year – these are not goals, these are visions, like: I want to create a safe, relaxed atmosphere in my home, I want to create a healthy and pain free body, I want to create gleeful abundance.
Keep a copy. Look at it at the end of the year to see how you did. You might be surprised.
Wishing you a thoughtful close to 2009 and an optimistic outlook for 2010.
New Year’s Resolutions Stink
And I stopped making them until I figured out why. It’s because they are no fun. We bust our butts at the end of the year, get everything in under the wire, tuck in the year and then make a to do list that makes us want to go to bed and never get up again. Enough. At the last turn of the decade I made three resolutions:
- I don’t stand in line
- I only drink very good champagne
- I only fly Business Class
10 years later, I haven’t done too badly. I have stayed pretty focused on avoiding things I hate (lines, cheap booze headaches and being smooshed in with strangers), thereby increasing my quality of life substantially. Resolutions #1 and 3 required a long term plan involving joining every frequent flyer program known to man, replacing all of my credit cards with ones that collect airline miles and sweet talking clients into paying for my folly. And the more special the airlines deem you, the fewer lines you have to stand in. If I have to stand in line to check my coat, I keep it on. There is always another bathroom in the airport – one with no line. I conveniently grew a little long in the tooth for nightclubs. I grocery shop in the morning. I do all my postal stuff online. I have to admit in fact that the internet has been a substantial help in my line standing boycott. The economy has messed with my grand Business Class plan, but although I still stand in the occasional line and often still fly coach, I can pretty much guarantee that in 10 more years I will not be. I’m aiming high and planning big.
That’s the problem with New Year’s Resolutions people – we’re aiming way too low. We tend to go for the things we think we should want, not the things we really want.
Here is how to win at New Year’s Resolutions:
- Set a goal that will make you blissfully, stupidly happy if you get even close to it. I may not fly Business Class every time (only when the client will pay or I can upgrade with miles), but I can tell you that I appreciate every moment when I do.
- Make it a goal that doesn’t require you to work too hard, give up something you love or magically wake up with a personality transplant. This is a sure path to failure.
- Reach for something fun, indulgent, extravagant. Let it feel a little absurd – why not? Just want it with all your heart. Don’t judge your heart’s desire as being shallow and selfish – if it will make you happy you’ll be a nicer person. I don’t have the research to back up that statement, but you have to admit it sounds right.
- Set your big yummy goal – don’t limit it to a year – and then plan for it. Do something small every day or once a week. I had a client who put every five dollar bill that came to her in a can for a trip to Fiji. She was mercilessly mocked by her friends. She also played the air miles credit card game. It took a really long time, but she made it. I still have the postcard.
Here is the way to lose at New Years Resolutions:
- Resolve to do something you have already failed at several times. Change nothing about your previous approach, just state that you will have more will power this time.
- Resolve to do something that fills you with dread or terror. Or worse: boredom.
- Resolve to do something that you have no idea how to do and then don’t get any support or direction from anyone.
Really, save yourself the heartbreak and frustration. Make life fun again in 2010. If not now, when?
Who Are You Now?
I will be shelving the conversation about Angeles Arrien for now as the end of the decade hurtles at us and thoughts often turn inward at the New Year. I recently had a conversation with a client in which we were reflecting on the question that if circumstances haven’t changed, what has changed that he is so dissatisfied. Well, duh, right? He changed. Not so obvious though.
What is it with we humans that we don’t actually expect to change? In college we engage in a fair amount of navel gazing trying to figure out what to major in, then in early adult hood we are trying to find our place in the world, trying to find satisfying work, trying on potential partners for size. But then we settle in – and expect for circumstances to maybe change, we don’t expect ourselves to change. But, we do. New values emerge, new interests. We learn more about ourselves and develop. While many find comfort in predictability, others get bored. Although we expect ourselves to keep a herculean pace all the time, if there is no relief from constant stress over time, people get burnt out. Symptoms of boredom and burnout are extremely subtle: exhaustion, irritability, insomnia. You may feel depressed for no apparent reason.
Maybe you’ve changed but failed to notice it. If this resonates for you ask yourself:
• What used to give me pleasure but now feels like chore?
• What do I daydream about doing but seems too (new, outrageous, not like me, unusual, inconvenient) to even research.
• If I could wave a magic wand and never do one thing again what would it be?
• What makes me smile that never used to?
We don’t answer these questions to create an impossible list of more to do’s. What the answers can do is help you see how maybe you’ve changed, and how you might think about changing your home or work landscape to better suit the way you’ve changed. To better suit who you are now. Food for thought.
Next week: Why ‘New Years Resolutions’ are just another way to make yourself feel terrible. And don’t work.
Authenticity
One of the more interesting aspects of Tell the Truth without Blame or Judgment is ‘authenticity’. It is critical that leaders reveal themselves – some might say that it should only be in a very calculated, measured way. Others might say that it is easier to build trust when leaders let it all hang out. The jury is out for me but there are a couple of things that are really clear:
- Leaders must reveal enough of themselves that people can recognize them as fellow human beings and find something to connect with. A little vulnerability, a little sadness, pride in a child – something.
- Leaders can and should show emotion – both positive and negative – but they must also demonstrate that they have mastery over their own emotions and will not let emotion control their choices or action. Self control and the observable demonstration of self control is critical.
- Under no circumstances does it serve a leader to show contempt or derision for a follower. Or for anyone in front of anyone but the closest and most trusted.
- Leaders can respond to just about anything, but it makes most sense to choose to respond to what has heart and meaning – to explore and expand on ideas that will make an impact in the memory.
I am a fairly spontaneous person, and I love to entertain using language. I once had an employee say to me “you just say whatever comes into your head don’t you? I just love how authentic you are.” All I could wonder is ‘are you kidding?’ Because the answer is, although on the rare occasion my mouth gets ahead of my brain (ok maybe less rare than I’d like) , generally I am very careful about what I choose to say. I show just enough so that my people know what it is important to me, how I think about things, and how I make decisions. If I said everything that came into my head I would be out of a job and probably in jail. With no friends.
More on this topic next time.
Tell the Truth
I am still exploring Angeles Arrien’s work in this blog – the next step that all change agents or leaders engage in is Tell the Truth Without Blame or Judgment. Really? Is that all? Well that’s easy enough. Until it isn’t. Telling the truth requires a willingness to put oneself out there to be judged ourselves. It can also cause more trouble than it is sometimes worth. But let’s also remember that it doesn’t say tell the truth at all costs. Costs need to be weighed, and found worth paying. As. Dr. Angeles says:
“Communication that carries integrity always considered timing and context before the delivery of content. ”
Angeles Arrien; The Four-Fold Way; Harper San Francisco, 1993, pg. 83
The second piece is often overlooked – without blame or judgment. This can be the biggest challenge at all, but it harkens back to a lot of research about leadership which asserts that one of the jobs of the leader is to DEFINE REALITY as it currently stands. A certain amount of detachment and objectivity when ‘calling it as it is’ is a useful skill. It means we have to practice use of the ‘neutral’ voice, one that doesn’t carry significant emotional freight that needlessly weighs the truth down. Just truth, stated baldy as something that needs to be considered. To continue the above quote:
“Direct communication – giving voice to what we see without blame or judgment- means we must consider the alignment of appropriate word choice, tone of voice and body posture.”
And here is another rub. I don’t know about you, but I am a little skittish about designating myself as the one with enough information, intelligence, authority – and goodness only knows how long this list might actually be but you get the idea – to tell the Truth with a capital ‘T’. Because who knows what the truth is, my reality is so radically different from your reality that I feel competent, just, to ‘test’ for what might be ‘true’ for you, or the group, right now. I find that trying several different potential truths at any given moment can work better. Unless the truth is staring you in the face and there is no equivocating. But whether it is raining or not is rarely a source of conflict or confusion.
Ask yourself:
- Am I saying everything that needs to be said?
- If not , what is keeping from doing it?
- How can I do so appropriately?
Heart and Meaning
In the last post, I talked about Paying Attention and drew attention once again to Angeles Arrien’s work. She talks about Paying Attention to what has heart and meaning. So first we simply have to pay attention. Period. But what does it mean to pay attention to what has heart and meaning? From a leadership standpoint it means to that first we have to understand what has heart and meaning for ourselves, and then we have to listen for and understand the same for others.
I love what she says about heart: “Where we are not strong- hearted is where we lack the courage to be authentic or to say what is true for us. Strong heartedness is where we have the courage to be all of who we are in life. The word ‘courage’ is derived from the French word for the heart, Coeur, and the etymologically it mean ‘the ability to stand by ones heart, or to stand by one’s core.”
Angeles Arrien; The Four-Fold Way; Harper San Francisco, 1993 pg. 51
So the questions this prompts are:
• Do you know what is true for you? Do you know what is true for the person you are talking to?
• What are you willing to stand by? What are others willing to stand by?
• Are you paying attention to what has meaning, that is not being said?
• Are you saying all that needs to be said at any given moment?
Pay Attention
In all the ‘good management’ courses, new managers are taught about how important it is to give ‘positive feedback’. There is something even more important however and you wouldn’t think it would need to be taught, but it does. Paying attention. Managers need to pay attention to their people. They need to notice when things are going well, they need to acknowledge when things are hard. They need to check in – a simple ‘how are you doing?’ – but they then really need to listen to the answer.
In her work observing indigenous change agents and leaders the second behavior that was consistent across the board was that they all:
Pay Attention to What Has Heart and Meaning.
Angeles Arrien; The Four-Fold Way; Harper San Francisco, 1993
To give feedback, we first need to simply pay attention – take the time to notice. It isn’t that hard to do and it doesn’t take all that much time, but it can easily be the one small thing that sets the foundation for a really solid working relationship. More on this in the next post.
And a Little More on Being Present
Being truly present is the foundation of all communication, so there is (at least) one more really important thought on the subject.
Haven’t we all noticed an epidemic of comparison in our culture. In the case of young women – wait who are we kidding, all women – who are constantly bombarded by images of unrealistic versions of femininity. In the case of clients who desperately need to develop relationships but are paralyzed by self doubt rooted in comparing themselves to colleagues. Some forms of shyness are simply a sense of overwhelm brought on by a terror of not ‘measuring up’ to a perceived standard, often embodied by someone specific.
But I recently struck by a novel (to me) form of toxic comparison. A client who is a CEO in one the hardest hit industry’s has been comparing his current self – exhausted, worried, scared and confused – to his previous self. He had become accustomed over the course of a steady and stellar rise to being energized, decisive, clear and confident. And now he is blaming himself for not feeling like the person he had gotten used to being. On top of everything else, here is a brilliant, kind, creative and hard working guy beating himself for having trouble getting out of bed in the morning after 3 rounds of layoffs and fruitless meetings with bankers.
Angeles Arrien has some very wise things to say about comparisons:
“Many indigenous societies believe that we all possess ‘original medicine’: personal power, duplicated nowhere else on the planet. No two individuals carry the same combination of talents or challenges; therefore, when we compare ourselves to others, native peoples see this as a sign that we do not believe that we have original medicine.”
Angeles Arrien; The Four-Fold Way; Harper San Francisco, 1993
Original Medicine indeed – isn’t that a marvelous way of describing each individuals’ unique combination of gifts? So the questions for a leader are:
- Where are you comparing yourself to someone else, or even a previous version of yourself that no longer exists?
- What is your ‘original medicine’ that cannot be diluted (except by comparison)?
Show Up & Choose to Be Present
This and the next few posts will be a continuation on the work of Angeles Arrien and how it is relevant to leaders playing for high stakes. The first requirement is to show up and choose to be present. What I love about that is the concept of choice. The fundamental agenda of coaching is to help the client be at choice – meaning that even in the sea of factors outside of our control there are probably more things with in our control than we have admitted to ourselves. So the idea of choosing to be present is a strong one. On the hard days, maybe the one thing a leader can do that will shift her energy is to ‘choose to be present’ even if that’s the only thing she can manage. A couple of other brilliant ideas in Ms. Arrien’s work on this subject is that to choose to be present is a way of extending respect which she points out comes from the Latin word respicere, which means “willingness to look again”. When we choose to be present we increase our capacity to take a new look rather than staying stuck in our view. So in a way it prepares us to listen with the intent of being influenced, rather than listening as a way to reload our argument guns. This requires the discipline of detachment and flexibility even as we turn away from distraction and pay attention to what is in front of us. For today I leave you with some questions. As you proceed through your day as a leader do you:
• Choose to be present?
• Show respect – willingness to take another look?
• Consciously turn away from your myriad distractions?
Playing for High Stakes
The higher the stakes, the more preparation is required. But then what? What is actually required in the moment? This was a topic for discussion with a client who is going for the big brass ring – the top job at a billion dollar conglomerate. The preparation is becoming more and more clear, but in six months when it’s time to sit down with the current CEO, the Board and the Leadership Team; what then?
The question sends me back to my days as a theatre actress. You rehearsed and rehearsed until opening night when the adrenaline pumping through your body would kill a horse. All you can do at that point is hope like crazy that your preparation was good enough because now it’s too late. And much as you would prefer to ‘check out’ and come back when it’s all over, you have to stay present because this is ‘live’ and your shoe could come off, your co-star could miss an entrance, a light could fail to come on. You have to on your toes.
The thing that differentiates the wheat from the chaff is the ability to stay in your body and respond to what’s in the room in a centered and meaningful way, under extreme pressure, because of and ultimately despite your preparation. So I shared something I have been using as a guide working with leaders since the book was published and it has never led me astray. It is from The Four Fold Way; Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary by Angeles Arrien, Harper Collins, 1993.
This is the result of the authors’ work with indigenous leaders all over the world from all kinds of different cultures. She wanted to see what leaders or change agents all have in common. It turns out that all good leaders do four distinct, seemingly simple steps:
- Show up and choose to be present
- Pay attention to what has heart and meaning
- Tell the truth without blame or judgment (important to distinguish judgment as criticism vs. critical analysis)
- Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome.
Really, these could be instructions for coaches, attorneys, parents, negotiators, anyone responsible and under duress. I will be elaborating on each step in future postings.
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